The last few weeks have been hard especially the last week and I really feel like I need to sit down, vent and write my feeling down and just post how I am feeling today.
I Shared last week how i was struggling with Andrew not sleeping and how that had made some of my feelings I had right in the thick on my last battle with my PND well now I am having more of those feeling. Lucky not of harming myself or others I know for sure I want to be here and I want to live this life. But I am having some more of the anxiety, bad dreams, fear and over thinking things.
I have anxiety attacks because I am having bad dreams, I then fear sleep because of the dreams giving me anxiety attacks, I then over think the dreams giving me anxiety attacks. And people like my GP saying they’re just dreams don’t help.
So why are these dreams so bad I keep having the same recurring dreams each week.
The first is on Andrew drowning. I dream that he is in his buggy and it rolled down the hill in to a lake, I jump in the lake and get the buggy and Andrew is not there, so I diving down again and again and again to try and find him. screaming in vain for help and not able to find him when I dive down under the water.
The second is my children being kidnapped. I will be out shopping and will turn round and my kids will be gone so I will be frantically be searching around trying to find them to no avail.
The worse thing is that I feel trapped in these dreams I can’t wake up so in both dreams I am frantically searching for my children and cant wake up.. I am usually woken by Mel shouting me up.
Then Each night I get anxious as I fear the dreams and having them again so I try to keep awake.
And to top it all off I am over thinking all this what if the dreams come true again giving me attacks and boom panic attack.
I have done all the things I tell you guys to do seen GP, Spoke to family and got help and work is supporting me well so I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel but right now I am just so angry and frustrated.
I know its stupid that I should be angry but I am so angry at my stupid head. It has been OK for 3 years. No downs and perfect and boom depression comes back. I’m also angry at myself for getting ill again and not noticicing signs sooner.
I am frustrated that this is all affecting my work as I signed off I want to be in right now as it keeps me busy.. all in all I frustrated that its all happening again and I wasn’t prepared..
I know I will get help and things will improve but what if this is my life now
I just want to get better and not slip back. I want to end the cycle. I don’t want a full blown episode like last time.