“One day you will have kids of your own, maybe then you will understand”
These were the words of my father and most probably every other father at some point usally following an argument or disagreement. And were words I heard a lot from my mum and dad when I was younger. I used to hate those words. Back when I was a teen it felt like no matter what when I asked my dad a question following an argument all I would get is Those famous words and back then I hated them, I used to think err no I won’t understand your just a boring basterd whose one aim is to ruin my life and any fun with it. When I have kids I will do things so differently I will be a fun dad so I will never understand your attempts to ruin my life, you just don’t understand me and you never will.” That is what I used to think, I also used to say to my dad when I’m older I never want to be like you. Well over 10 years on I will say this, I think I am starting to understand and if I can be half the parent they are then I think I will be doing alright.
Let me rewind to when I was a kid, I had the best most stable home a kid could always ask for, we weren’t rich, far from it but we never went with out there was always food on the table and we always had clothes on our back, I’m not going to say we were well dressed as you can see from photos 90s fashion was not well and dressed, my Mum and Dad were hard workers they would do anything to make sure we wanted for nothing. We were not spoilt and we never just had things handed to us, we had to earn things and were taught the value of things but we were well looked after. Looking back I realised how much my parents did for me and my sister and even now we are older they still do so much for me. Now I’m older and have kids I understand how much my amazing family did for me, all their decisions and things they did were about looking after me however back then I was a little shit and never saw it that way.
I thought the world was against me I knew better and my way was the right way and if anyone disagreed with me then I would fight until I got what I wanted, I was an angry selfish teenanger and I developed in to an angry young man with the view that everything should revolve around me, if it didn’t then I would do something to make sure it did. I believed I was Gods gift to all women and started believe that other people were there to serve my needs, I was controlling and I became very good at it, I could twist almost anyone to get my way and if they didn’t see my point of veiws I would find away of manipulating that person to my way, let’s just say I was a horrible young man who wasn’t nice to be around.
So what changed? A few things when I met Mel she introduced me to an amazing church and I developed I strong Christian faith the more I began to explore what it meant to live the life according to my faith the more it made me take a long look at myself, marriage changed me a lot, I wasn’t the kind of person to settle down but here I was dedicating my life to one girl. The biggest thing that changed was having kids, those who have read the blog know my story (if you don’t please do read my past blogs), I have written so much on my struggles and what I found hard but one thing that was clear in all darkness or my PND was I finally understood what my parents meant when they said those famous words.
“One day you will have kids and you will understand”
I never thought I would understand but let me share what I realised, I understood everything they said and did was in my interest, that they cared for me they wanted what’s best for me, their rules and boundaries were not about repression or making my life a living hell, it was about making sure I grew up to be a well rounded man, they were setting examples of how to show respect, how to treat women and were teaching me right and wrong. I also realised something else, my pearents had a life before me there was nothing I had done that they haven’t done before. They had made mistakes that they didn’t want me to make the same mistakes. I get all that know.
We are in the same shoes now I have my own kids and I finally understand. I sit here with all the same worries they had, how will he grow up, will I be a good parent, can I really be a good role model, am I doing it right? Will they grow up to be good people? My role is to give them the best up bringing and make sure they don’t make the same mistakes as me. Being a parent is not an easy job, those times when I thought they didn’t undertand me and just wanted to ruin my life or they were against me I now realise they understand me more than I would ever know, they loved me and wanted what’s best for me.
As a dad I stand where they stood trying my best to set an example and teach my kids, it’s not easy and sometimes I will do what’s best for them and it will make me unpopular, I will dislike some of the desisions and I won’t always be there best friend and my decisions will be unpopular. I worry if I am doing it right then I think if I can be even half the dad my dad is then I will be doing a good Job. I used to say I never wanna be like you dad, when in truth I want to be exactly like my dad with the same veiws and just as good of a dad as he is. And be like father like son.
And one day my kids will have kids and they will understand.