I have to admit I am writing this blog with mixed feelings a twinge of guilt that my son is now 19 months and this blog will end up covering the past 19 months when Elizabeth has had a dozen posts about her first 2 years but at the same time I am happy that things were so much easier the second time around so I will talk about the few things I struggled with in the first 19 months and summarise where we are now, then this blog will become about my daily struggles, raising awerness of dads with PND and a platform to discus my family life.
Andrews birth was not an easy one i have to say it was more traumatic than Elizabeth’s yet I think I coped a lot better, I was in the hospital for 9am on the 6th October 2015 and Mel was already struggling with the pain and just looked rough and as she wasn’t coping as well as she did with Elizabeth we were told induction births could be more painful but I really wasn’t ready to see her in so much pain. I will never take away from a woman’s pain it is 100 times worse than any pain I could feel and I will never take that experience away from you. A mans pain is psychological we see our partners screaming in pain, begging for it to be over, on gas an air wanting something stronger yet still being in pain can lead us to feel helpless at not being able to help. It’s by no mean anything like giving birth but it is a psychological struggle. Andrews actual birth was a little more complicated than Elizabeth’s he was starting to get distressed and we were close to requiring a C-Section. Luckily Andrew got his act together and things began to move, due to his being distressed Andrew had had his first poo whilst still being born so was born with a lot of meconium some of which he had swallowed so he required suction to clear his air way and breath for himself so we had to wait a few anxious long mins waiting to hear him cry and be able to hold him. Once he was in my arms all the stress, all the anxiety and worry just faded away, I was once again not able to stay in the hospital for Andrews first night but that was ok this time I had Elizabeth to look after. I took Elizabeth the next morning to meet her baby brother and she fell in love with her new brother she didn’t want to leave him to go to nursery.
We took Andrew home later that day and so our life with two began, as I said I feel guilty that Andrew hasn’t got a big post but honestly things weren’t half as bad as I was with Elizabeth, I still had days were I get useless Andrew would only feed of Mel and he hated the water so I wasn’t able to swim with Andrew to build a bond and that was stressful but Elizabeth required my attention so on the occasions I was struggling with Andrew or was feeling low she was always there to take my attention, she did two things for me she gave me something to focus my mind on when I was feeling low as well as serving a reminder that things get better Andrew might not be able to get his needs met by me now but one day soon he will come to new for his needs. And that day came just before his 1st birthday when Mel was at work and Andrew finally took a bottle, and we haven’t looked back since. We have since moved back to my home town of Liverpool and things have improved even more.
So that’s my PND story so far, I still have PND, I am still on medication to help my PND and I still have very low days the difference is that my lows are further a part and now I know how to deal with my lows and I now know techniques I can use to help me bond and ultimately get me out of my low. Andrew is now 19 months and Elizabeth is nearly 4 and things at the moment are good.
Now we are up to date with my PND story I will be using this blog to write about my day to day struggles with my PND as well as having guest blogs, my wife will be writing soon about how my PND effected her life so please keep a look out for her blog